So I never write on here anymore.. my last post was in 2006. And I know that probabley most of my friends on this list either left or don't read this anymore... and I think that is why I am posting... more because it is for me. and because I don't really want most of my friends to know
I'm depressed. I moved to new york. and yeah I know moving to new york isn't sopposed to be easy.. but I thought I would like it more than I do. As of right now... I hate it. I am realizing that I don't have any friends up here anymore... and that if I want to do hair in a salon I will have to wait at least another two years and assist again!... I don't think I can do that... mentally it will kill me... and really I'm 27 now. I have been waiting for years to start my career.. and then I am just about to start and then blink closed. I didn't really think that a salon would just throw me on the floor immediatly. but I at least thought it would be fewer than two years. I will be almost 30 by the time I would get to do hair. that is just crazy to me. I invisioned so much more for me by now. so much more.
This is all really a kick to my ego. Its like why did I work so hard growing up.
It got me no where... seriously.
I was brought up thinking that if I tried hard at school and worked my butt off then it would pay off. but really I worked my butt off, and nothing happened.
When is my life sopposed to start?
I feel like a 27 year old child who is friends with adults younger than me.
Then lets move on to the roomates... Its is my best friend dan and his friend jay. Me and two gay guys. its like Will Will and Grace... only Grace is not included. I feel like our relationship is just like the way that our apartment floor plan is arranged.. Dan and Jay on one side and me all the way on the other. And its not that I am jealous of their friendship.. Its that I feel left out in all of the decisions. and just left out in general. I mean one prime example is this party that we are having next friday. and really I say we very loosly. because I was not included in any of the decisions at all. First. it was made on a friday... none of my friends can come because they all work on saturday. Second it is themed to be like a drag queen christmas party... and I guess really the worst of it is on the invitations I am not even included.. Jays answer is simply... well they don't know you.. Well how are they going to know to meet me if they don't even know that I exist.
I guess to them I am just the person that pays the part of the rent that they can't afford. I just feel like I am the just a rent check to them.
I want to leave. but I can't afford my own apartment.. nor would I get approved. and I don't think I can admit defeat to my friends and family just yet...
but thats just it.
i feel defeated.
and that is making this whole thing worse.
I miss my boyfriend... I hate being this far apart... I wish he was here.. because I think then I would feel a little better.
but I really think my only solution is to move back. I really think that that is going to be the only thing that makes me happy again.