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its like talking to a wall your drama says what? another day another entry stalk me Exposed in Pink a Photography Portfolio go back go back go forward go forward
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So I never write on here anymore.. my last post was in 2006. And I know that probabley most of my friends on this list either left or don't read this anymore... and I think that is why I am posting... more because it is for me. and because I don't really want most of my friends to know

I'm depressed. I moved to new york. and yeah I know moving to new york isn't sopposed to be easy.. but I thought I would like it more than I do. As of right now... I hate it. I am realizing that I don't have any friends up here anymore... and that if I want to do hair in a salon I will have to wait at least another two years and assist again!... I don't think I can do that... mentally it will kill me... and really I'm 27 now. I have been waiting for years to start my career.. and then I am just about to start and then blink closed. I didn't really think that a salon would just throw me on the floor immediatly. but I at least thought it would be fewer than two years. I will be almost 30 by the time I would get to do hair. that is just crazy to me. I invisioned so much more for me by now. so much more.
This is all really a kick to my ego. Its like why did I work so hard growing up.
It got me no where... seriously.
I was brought up thinking that if I tried hard at school and worked my butt off then it would pay off. but really I worked my butt off, and nothing happened.
When is my life sopposed to start?
I feel like a 27 year old child who is friends with adults younger than me.
what happened?

Then lets move on to the roomates... Its is my best friend dan and his friend jay. Me and two gay guys. its like Will Will and Grace... only Grace is not included. I feel like our relationship is just like the way that our apartment floor plan is arranged.. Dan and Jay on one side and me all the way on the other. And its not that I am jealous of their friendship.. Its that I feel left out in all of the decisions. and just left out in general. I mean one prime example is this party that we are having next friday. and really I say we very loosly. because I was not included in any of the decisions at all. First. it was made on a friday... none of my friends can come because they all work on saturday. Second it is themed to be like a drag queen christmas party... and I guess really the worst of it is on the invitations I am not even included.. Jays answer is simply... well they don't know you.. Well how are they going to know to meet me if they don't even know that I exist.
I guess to them I am just the person that pays the part of the rent that they can't afford. I just feel like I am the just a rent check to them.
I want to leave. but I can't afford my own apartment.. nor would I get approved. and I don't think I can admit defeat to my friends and family just yet...
but thats just it.
i feel defeated.
and that is making this whole thing worse.

I miss my boyfriend... I hate being this far apart... I wish he was here.. because I think then I would feel a little better.
but I really think my only solution is to move back. I really think that that is going to be the only thing that makes me happy again.
11 bad photographers / take a picture it lasts longer
needler From: needler Date: December 5th, 2008 10:02 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm still here, had a massive cull last night but kept you on in the hope you might post some more :)
I hope things take a change for you , you deserve to get on in life!
huge hugs
T xxx
sexy_pink From: sexy_pink Date: December 5th, 2008 09:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
aw thanks... I just feel like an outsider in this apartment. and here. I miss all my friends back home, and most of all I miss my boyfriend. And the fact that for me to get into a decent salon around here would mean I would have to assist a stylist for another two years just boggles my mind. I just can't do that to myself. I originally thought that by moving here would be a step up in my career but it really is a whole flight of stairs down. I'm just getting tugged in so many directions I don't know what I should do. if I should stick it out, or if I should go back to where I would have a good job... I know no one can tell me which is right or wrong, but i wish someone could...
easyondiii From: easyondiii Date: December 5th, 2008 03:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
I remember my makeup diva. I pretty sparse here too. Do you go on MySpace?
sexy_pink From: sexy_pink Date: December 5th, 2008 09:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
hey. how have you been... yes I do have a myspace its www.myspace.com/sexy_pink friend me on there!!
From: protest_zine Date: December 5th, 2008 07:44 pm (UTC) (Link)
hope things go ok, I suppose sometimes you have to walk through shit to get to what you want in life
sexy_pink From: sexy_pink Date: December 5th, 2008 09:55 pm (UTC) (Link)
thanks. yeah I know... I just feel like I've done it so much already.... but I guess not. well see how it all pans out.
how did you find my journal by the way?
From: protest_zine Date: December 11th, 2008 08:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
well to be honest in a strange way. I was searching the web a while back for gasmask images and one of the those photos by Kristin Jackson came up. And directed me to your journal! So saw the many common interests and said would have to add you as a friend :-) My other half lived in Philly for about 4 years. So I ended up vistiting once, all I remember was this massive sized health fod shop, really impressive. In Ireland they are the size of a toilet!
cryin4madori From: cryin4madori Date: December 5th, 2008 08:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
I am with you, doll. I feel defeated and I DO have my career well under way! I can't afford to move, unless I move away from my bf...etc. etc. You are not alone...growing up in the NY area blows! It isn't like TN where folks can afford to get a tit job and move into their own digs at 18!
sexy_pink From: sexy_pink Date: December 5th, 2008 09:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
I know it stinks. I mean I didn't grow up in ny I actually grew up in the philadelphia area.. but really. its the same down there. I just don't know what I should do. I just hate my living situation. I keep telling them why, and they tell me that I am wrong. and that they don't do it on purpose but really how many times do I have to tell them that they leave me out of stuff. Then they try to make it better by inviting me to go to a boring gay club, so I don't go.... But now they are mad at me because they think I won't tell them why I am mad.
I need to meet new people and get me out of here.. I just feel lost.
thistleharlquin From: thistleharlquin Date: December 6th, 2008 03:41 am (UTC) (Link)
hello...just wanted to say "hi" since long time no see
syndicated_lies From: syndicated_lies Date: December 23rd, 2008 03:25 am (UTC) (Link)

Hella long time...

I know I haven't talked to ya in a hell of a long time.. but I just wanted to say give nyc a chance... I moved to pittsburgh after college because I had personal problems that prevented me from staying in NJ. I was miserable the first year I lived here... but the last 6 months... I've started to feel better about things... don't get discouraged too quickly. NYC is the fashion capital of the US and if you want to get into high end hair... its really the place to be even if you have to start at the shitty bottom again.. keep your eye on the prize... besides as they said 40 is the new 30 since life expectancy has been increased. :-D And I feel your pain about going to school and stuff cause I went to school and even now I make less money than what I owe in student loans until I get a few years of "experience" under my belt... but yeah you're not the only one... alot of mid-late 20 year olds are in our same boat... because you get promised how getting an education will open so many doors... then you realize the reality that you have to be someone's bitch for 3-5 years before you get anything... My goal is to have my shit together by 35. Hope this helped you feel better....
11 bad photographers / take a picture it lasts longer